What It’s Like Now / by Meryle

I want to smoke cigarettes and hate myself.  

I’m so used to it, it seems like the right thing to do. 

Like getting frustrated and animated at things I can’t control 

At things that aren’t that bad, 

Like I’m not validly existing 

Unless I am performing annoyance like a boiling kettle screaming steam.

 

Everything is ok

Everything is gonna be fine

Just gotta get uncomfortable while I slip between that rock and a hard place

But I know I’ll slip through 

I’m more malleable than I know.

 

But still

The glamorous sad keeps pulling at the back of my shirt

Sometimes tripping me and choking me

 

I’ve changed too much

So slowly

In such a short period of time

 

I’m looking around surprised at what I’ve lost. 

Looking for memories of the time everything vibrated with daggers into my senses

But now its iridescent pink bubbles, and rose petal clouds swirling around me 

Sometime reality smelling like farts or screaming like police sirens, 

But only for a minute 

Only for a moment 

Only for a second.

 

And then my body settles back to that soft wind tickling through the fresh uncut wild green grass.

And lilac trees bloom around my mind

Like a fragrant halo.